I have no clue what to do the majority of the time as a parent. Seriously, I feel completely inadequate. My overall goal is to raise my children to faithful, happy, functioning, contributing adults. I pray every day, that they might turn out to be good people, with a testimony of our Savoir. The world, however, seems to have other plans.
When our kids are little it is pretty easy to protect them from the harsh reality of the world. As they grow older it is nearly impossible. While raising my kids, I’ve always wanted to protect my children’s innocence as long as possible. Let them be kids while they can be kids! But as my oldest entered the tween years, it became clear that this was a very gray area and not as black and white as I first had assumed. I realized the more I protected her, the less prepared she would be for reality. If I didn’t speak up and teach her, then she would hear things from other kids, that I’d rather her hear from me.
I started asking myself, is it right to continue protecting her when she is obviously ready to start growing up? I wanted her to keep her childhood innocence- which was more of a selfish act for me, and not in her best interest.
Physically and emotionally protecting our children
From the moment these precious children enter our lives, our parenting instincts take over, much like a mother bear protecting her cubs. Protecting them is ingrained in us, and yet often times our over protection can be detrimental.
“We think we need to protect our children. And the answer to that is yes, of course, from starvation and moving cars and juggling chainsaws. There are things that are legitimately dangerous. But we are not there to protect them from any discomfort or any pain or any sadness. What we need to do is not protect but prepare.”
Steve Baskin, A Manifesto to Strength: Raising Anti-Fragile Kids
Experts agree that for children to grow into resilient adults, we must allow them to experience life. Pain, sadness, and failure are all vital experiences, because they teach endurance, hard work, and self motivation. As parents, we know these things and yet we are naturally prone to feeling the need to take away our children’s suffering.
“One of the things I began to see early on was over-parenting, first the helicopter parenting and then the snowplow or lawnmower parenting. One is watching your child’s emotion and then trying to manage your child’s experience and prepare the road for your child, instead of your child for the road…”
Steve Baskin, A Manifesto to Strength: Raising Anti-Fragile Kids
I love this visual of a snow blower parent! Have you ever caught yourself doing it? What a sad thing to realize that by preparing the road for our child, we are actually causing more harm! If we are constantly clearing any hardship that confronts our children, they do not gain the resilient qualities needed to overcome these moments. When they leave our home and enter the word without us there, there is a good chance they could crumble.
“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”
Ann Landers
Spiritually protecting versus preparing
Now I would like to take what we know about preparing our children for life and relate it to preparing them spiritually. The number one way to PREPARE our children spiritually is obviously to give them exposure to the gospel! Teaching them to pray, going to church, reading the scriptures, and doing “Come Follow Me” in our homes… we know these are some of the basics to building a firm foundation (see When Foundations Fail).
Now, lets look at the PROTECT side of this. What are we doing that can hinder their spiritual growth? Are there things we want to protect and shelter our children from that could actually be keeping them from spiritual preparation?
When we let our children experience sadness, pain, and make mistakes, we know they will be more resilient as adults. The amazing thing is these same experiences also give opportunities to learn about faith and grow a testimony! When they have fear and sorrow, teach them to pray. When they fail or are in pain, teach them to search the scriptures for answers. These are vital experiences that will help our children find faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Some may ask, whats wrong with plowing the path to the tree of life for our children? Why can’t I mow a smooth course all the way there? In my mind this does paint a pretty picture, but in reality this is impossible. Even Lehi himself couldn’t do it! He stood at the tree of life, beckoning his children, he could not hold their hands along the way.
Are we raising our children to recognize the great and spacious building? Are they aware of the mist of darkness or strange and flattering roads that may lead them away? Sometimes we want to shield our children from seeing these things in the word, but if we don’t discuss them safely at home while they are growing up, how easy will it be for Satan to trick them when they are older?
Will our children’s testimony’s be ready when they leave our homes and experience the real world? When temptation strikes and we are no longer there to guide and direct, will our children falter and their faith plummet from the shock of what they are seeing?
“Today we are at war with Satan. We, like any army, need to know what the enemy is up to. Knowing when and where the enemy will attack, for instance, can be invaluable information. That’s why the term for acquiring such information is called “gathering intelligence.” To know our enemy is to become smarter than our enemy. The Book of Mormon can help us “gather intelligence” on Satan’s counterfeit methods.”
Dennis C. Gaunt, Recognizing Satan’s Counterfeits
How do we know what needs to be shared with our children?
As we faithfully pray and read the Book of Mormon, we will be led and guided to know how to prepare our children spiritually. I’ve experienced uncertainty multiple times, wondering how to teach my daughter about the world and Satan’s tactics. Each time I pray for help, an opportunity always arises that allows me to teach these tough subjects.
As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we can be referred to as a “peculiar people”. We don’t drink coffee, we stay away from harshly rated movies and other content that is deemed inappropriate. We abstain from sexual conduct until we are married. We even wear “weird underwear”. As we pray for guidance we will be able to teach our children that these things aren’t the norm world wide.
We don’t need to plop our children on Satan’s lap to give them exposure to his influences. They don’t need a first hand tour of everything worldly! They do, however, need to be aware of what is out there.
This puts us in a difficult situation over and over again while raising our children as we contemplate what information to share. Some things we choose to teach are age based, we wait until they are developmentally old enough to understand. No matter when we teach, what we decide to share is something between you and the Lord. Always seek His guidance. When we do this, we will be able to discern what actions to take, what to share, and when to share them.
Raising faithful children with a testimony in the gospel should never be confused with raising our children to be naive. President Lee, while speaking to the youth of the church, once said:
“We don’t pray that you may be withdrawn into a ‘Shangri-La’ away from the evils of the world, because you are to be a leaven wherever you are, to bring about righteousness, but we are pleading with the Lord with all our might that while you are in the world, you may be kept from evil.”
Harold B. Lee, Decisions for Successful Living [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973], p. 223
If you aren’t familiar with Shangri-La, it’s a fictional place in the 1933 novel, Lost Horizon. It is a place of paradise , isolated from the world. We can’t send our children to Shangri-La to enjoy an innocent joyous life. They are meant to be here, “to bring about righteousness” where ever they may be in this world. It is our job, to prepare them for this.
Hiding the different lifestyles and views of the world doesn’t protect our children. Talking about how other people live and what they believe can actually give opportunity to discuss the diversity of God’s children and His love for all of them!
It is possible to teach our children that “we are in the world but not of the world”, and by doing so they will become spiritually resilient.
We are blessed with a brief period in which to prepare our children for the obstacles ahead. Hold their hands while they are young. Teach them. Let them experience sorrow. Let them understand what the world is like. Give them opportunities to act in faith. Then when they are grown, there is more than a good chance they will become faithful, happy, functioning, contributing adults. Adults with an unwavering testimony, strong enough to withstand any storm.
We can’t plow the path for our children, but we can prepare them so they can have a firm grip planted on the iron rod, with clear vision of the road ahead and possible obstacles that await them.
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