Grief.
We have all experienced the downs that inevitably come with life. Death, loss… My heart is full as I have pondered this topic. The truth is, I can spout positive words all day long on my blog, but none of it will make a difference unless we address grief. Grief is felt when we have experienced loss of a loved one, or experienced some sort of tragedy in our life. We grieve over what was lost and the future that could have been.
Sadness, despair, pain, anguish, hopelessness, desperation, distress, unhappiness, sorrow, anger, guilt, numbness, despondence. There are so many words to describe our feelings and emotions that emerge while we grieve… and yet these descriptions never seem adequate. Soul tormenting grief rips at us from the inside out, breaks our very being, and threatens to drag us under. It can feel like we are drowning on dry ground and are unable to find a helping hand. Sometimes we don’t want to find a helping hand.
Like all of you, I have stared grief in the face many times through out my life. In When Foundations Fail, I mention losing my house in a landslide and my parents divorce when I was a teenager. In my adult years I have continued to lose much. Including my precious Emily Elizabeth, my daughter who was born at twenty-one weeks gestation and died in my arms, after living a miraculous nine minutes. Does this make me an expert on grief? Absolutely not. Grief is something I am familiar with and yet I feel completely inadequate even writing about.
In the midst of hardship I don’t need to tell you it will be okay.
I don’t need to tell you it will heal with time.
I don’t need to tell you to count your blessings.
I don’t need to tell to you seek solace in loved ones.
All of these things have their place in the grief process, it is true. Turn to those things when you are ready, but first stop trying to ignore and brush off what you are feeling. It is okay to FEEL! Let those emotions take over, experience them. You are completely validated in feeling the way you do! Be sad, cry, and feel that anguish. Feel angry if you need to! Be angry over what was taken from you and what could have been.
“Grief hurts, but it can be the salve that helps us heal when it is allowed to do it’s work appropriately. The first step in handling grief is to recognize that the pain is a normal part of the process. It needs to be acknowledged, not avoided.”
Steven Eastmond, The Healing Power of Grief
There are many things we grieve throughout life: death, loss of a job, loss of a friendship or relationship, worldwide pandemics, natural disasters, loss of health, and other life changes or tragedies that hit close to home or far away. We must remember not to compare our adversities or trials to those of another.
If you are struggling over something that seems like it should be so simple to handle, stop being so hard on yourself! So many times I have heard someone say “well yeah, but my problems no way compare to those of my neighbors.” Comparing trials may give us perspective and help us feel better knowing it could be worse, but it doesn’t take away the fact that we are struggling now and need to grieve.
If we don’t address our emotions in these situations, they could end up prolonging the healing process. Like a shaken soda bottle, they can bubble up later because we held them in for so long.
What does the grieving process look like?
There is no simple answer to this question. I could go back to my nursing school days and tell you the textbook answer of grief has five basic stages, based off the Kubler-Ross grief cycle:
- Denial- Avoiding
- Anger- Pent up and avoided emotions explode
- Bargaining- With God, others, or oneself, desperately attempting to find a solution
- Depression- Reality sinks in, along with the finality of it
- Acceptance- The upward turn, finding a way to move forward
This can give us a basic idea of grief, but humanity is much more complicated with infinite emotions we can cram into this cycle. These stages can happen in any order, and some people don’t experience all of the stages.
What can we learn from this? We need to be patient with ourselves! When something horrible happens to us, no matter how big or small, we can’t expect to feel fine and dandy right away. There is no set time for how long the grief process lasts or how long any of these stages can take.
Grief is the emotional, and often physical, response we have when we experience loss… Grief can involve virtually every emotion or can leave us feeling numb and disconnected from the world around us.
Steven Eastmond, The Healing Power of Grief
Grieving is unique and individual
Two adult siblings who lose a parent, may respond completely differently in the grief process. One may jump to action, busying themselves with tasks and reaching out to friends and family. The other sibling may wall themselves in at home, ignoring calls and messages. Neither way of grieving is incorrect.
A common mistake is to compare our grief to another. We assume we should react differently when we see others, who appear to be “functioning” better than we are. Additionally, just because a person is “functioning” well, doesn’t mean their grief isn’t felt as deeply. Being patient with ourselves and with others, while grieving, can make a tremendous difference when unexpected emotions arise.
As a nurse, I’ve been witness to complete strangers in their grief . I’ve seen sobbing, wailing, lots of anger, detachment, and a whole slew of other responses. Two of the most memorable moments in my career came in the dark hours of a night shift. During each experience, my pediatric patient was sleeping well and I had snuck in to their room, to hook up an IV antibiotic or other medication. My plan was to stay about five minutes, in order to finish my task, and then be on my way. Instead, I’d emerged from each room over an hour later. I had found a grieving parent seeking solace in my presence. With their child asleep, the walls of strength they had constructed for the benefit of their child, had come crashing down. I had no wisdom to give them in those moments, just a listening ear as they expressed their fears.
Having opportunities like these is humbling, and I wish they gave me more answers about the grieving process. Honestly though, the best I can say is to love ourselves and others during those difficult times. Don’t give up. Even through the darkest times, when we can barely breathe, light will come. With an eternal perspective, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We can’t always see it, but it is there.
Have Faith
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment
It is my hope we do not shut out our Heavenly Father during tragedy. I once had a friend tell me in anger, that she no longer wanted Gods help. She had lost her home, career, and filed for bankruptcy. She told me she wanted nothing to do with God anymore and that she would get everything back without God’s help. If we find ourselves on that slippery slope, filled with anger and desperation, we must find a way to kneel and plead with our Heavenly Father instead of shutting him out.
It is possible to move on from tragedy without the Lords help. But how much easier will it be if we use the atonement to ease our burdens? Henry B. Eyring put it so well in this beautiful testimony:
Even when you feel the truth… and kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure. The Prophet Joseph Smith cried out in agony in a dungeon: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?”
The Lord’s reply has helped me and can encourage us all in times of darkness. Here it is: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.“
I have seen faith and courage come from a testimony that it is true that we are being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful disciples. And the disciple who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle.
Henry B. Eyring, Adversity
What an amazing perspective to have during difficult times! We all must endure to the end. Although these trials are “but a small moment”, while we are living them, they feel like so much more. Allowing ourselves to grieve and turn to the Lord, will bring peace and help us find light in the darkness.
Grief isn’t about dealing with our emotions so we can return to our old selves. Grief is like reconstructing a jigsaw puzzle, one painful piece at a time. In some places the pieces that once matched no longer fit together, but we make do. In the end, the puzzle’s image is not the same as it was, but it is still just as unique and important. We emerge from grief changed and different, hopefully stronger. It is our decision to let grief refine and improve us, or leave us cynical and hard heartened. It will leave scars, this is inevitable, but those scars don’t have to keep us from moving forward.
In Isaiah 53:4, it states, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows”. The Savoir can help us reconstruct the jigsaw puzzle and fill in the pieces that are completely missing. We can find hope in Him when it appears there is no hope.
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